“Away from my insecurities I run, I run. Learning to love whats all of me, I run, I run… I know I’ve gotta keep breathing… No matter where I pause, You stop to hold my hand. Encourage me to walk upon the barren land. Though trials get me down, your strength is perfect then – I’m walking.” – We Move Along, Charmian-Marie (now, Niala Dei)
Take a listen to my song, We Move Along (before I cut my hair and changed my name to Niala Dei), while you take a read.
This song came out of a place of just being tired of feeling weak. Being tired of being so conscious of my insecurities and my flaws that I was afraid to just try to live freely. Because, for me, living freely meant that I had to interact with people, and I was utterly afraid of the opinions of others, and also, possibly hurting others with my strong personality (which has always been pointed out to me).
Truth is, I’m actually a very caring person, and so I’ve always felt that it’s better for me to stay in a corner, away from people, so as to preserve them. But, that always ended up sowing a seed of bitterness in my heart – wondering why other persons with strong personalities were free to BE and I had to be caged. So, my general outlook always ended up being rooted in defense which was so potent that it always converted into offense.
Diving deeper and getting older also caused my flaws to deepen as well – even amid my Christian convictions and my desire to help people. But, I was determined to somehow encourage people. So, I would always seek to do things for persons behind the scenes so they wouldn’t know it’s me. I would tell friends not to announce their friendship with me because I didn’t want them to be ostracized too. A real hot mess. But, on the surface, you’d never know that I was so ashamed to just be me.
So…what changed? Well, I think it was one of my most epic breakdowns in my life. I remember being on the floor weeping and telling the Lord I’m tired of this cage. I told Him I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only ticking time bomb in the world and I don’t deserve the opportunity to breathe and to BE.
The next day, a rush of peace just cam over me. I heard Him say “I love you, always.”
And there it was. Hope…and redemption.
Now, I know that may seem simple. But for me, it meant that He has chosen to love me despite ALL the things that have been said to and about me, and all the things that I know about myself. God STILL loves me. And with that, it felt like an invitation to explore who I really am, and note where improvements need to be made, but also move on the beautiful things that God has deposited in me. In that time, it really was also cemented in me that God has called me from the background to do more for Him.
It went further, though, reminding me that God cares about where we are. Not because He wants to judge us, but because He has promised that He’ll be with us always and wants to see us through to our best. There are situations that we feel alone in and just want to know and feel like at least one person cares without us having to articulate every single thing we’re feeling. And, in this breakthrough time, He truly proved that He is that being.
Now… I’ll say I’ve come a very long way. Getting more comfortable being around persons and not fearing what they may think…getting used to being in the “public eye” (lol mi know mi nuh famous, doe worry)… learning my triggers and self-control, etc. It’s a work in progress, but I see the beauty in it. I’m excited about my future.
So, this song has now become a reminder song for me, of God calling me from the shadows to BE, and also encouraging me to be bold enough to walk even through those valley seasons. Whether we’re battling internal thoughts or external elements.
With this song, then, I want to encourage you. Emerge from the shadows to BE. Explore who you really are, and don’t fear the ugly. Understand it and improve on it. The totality of you is worth exploring.
Note too that a great way to start is to ask the Lord how He sees you. Finding your identity in Christ lays a great foundation for a rounded understanding and eventual acceptance of just how special and precious you are. It also let’s you know that because He cherishes you, He won’t leave you because of the things He hears about you. This starts the process of self-acceptance and self-awareness. A process that’s worth it.
Emerge to BE… with God as foundation and guide.
Blessings and Love.
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